There's that fear again, coming through the grass

To the one whose spirit shine dances like frothing, liquid gemstones, refracting lustrous glow:

Where am I? Where are your hands? Where are my hands? Where is my heart?

Everywhere I look my vision is blocked by a pair of grinning eyes: so challenging, so riveting; so stagnant. This unwanted stare arrests me, holding me in a vulnerable state. It confronts my confidence and interrupts my thoughts. I feel paralyzed, stuck; trapped like a cat in a corner.

I can't see where I'm going. I can't see where I am.

Where did this fear come from? Why am I suddenly so unsure about so many things? I'm unsure about myself. I'm unsure about my future and whether I'll ever get a good, somewhat steady graphic design job in Madison. I'm unsure about Ben--does he really love me? Does he really want me? Is he hiding things from me?

The very ground on which I stand feels like it could melt away at any moment. If the ground fails, where will I land?

Hope seems so far away. My nights have been restless and and my dreams troubled. I've chosen to close my ears and turn away from you, beautiful one. I've done this because I believe that I'm bad, and therefore, you shouldn't love me. You shouldn't whisper my secret name in quite places. You shouldn't beckon me nearer. I shake my head bitterly when you show me how you love me. Your promises make my heart ache. I want to push them away, but I can't. Instead I wear them like a string of jewels around me neck, but then I cover them with a scarf.

I am so bad, my Lord! Look at all the things I've done! Look at the condition of my heart. How can you look at me? How can you call me beautiful? How can you call me your bride? How can you look at me and say that it was worth it, even if I were the only one; that you'd do it all over again?

I'm so stuck. I can't get myself out of this one, love. I just can't get myself to let go. I've been covering your promises with fear and mistrust, doubt and shame; I've been hiding my face, because I'm just not worth it . . . or at least I shouldn't be.

Why do I push so hard against your affections for me? Why do I believe that I'm so bad? That I'm so unlovable? Where did this come from?

I am so insecure right now. I don't fell like I can fight this one my own. I'm just so tired.

Somehow, I feel your hands on me despite all of this. I can't do a damn thing for myself. You're still carrying me. Thank you for having patience with me. Thank you for loving me.

I'm not empty. I'm not numb. I'm not lost. I'm not in danger. I'm just . . . well, I don't really know where I am.

"The Land Between Solar Systems" by Mum is the song that best describes how I feel right now. The atmosphere, the pace, all the little sounds, the lyrics--the whole dern song.

Please break me down, beautiful one. Lately I've been pushing things away as quickly as possible when they feel like they're too close to me heart. I hate it. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself. Please break me down so that I have to come running to you with my whole heart again. Please destroy this fear in me--pull this insecurity out by its roots. I can't do it. I don't have the strength.

I don't want to believe lies about myself anymore. Please bend your light this way, beautiful one.

(( God is with me ))