Homesick

I'm so homesick. I'm so exhausted: too exhausted to adequately describe my homesickness. Instead I'll leave you with a simple list of the things that I'm homesick for.

I miss (in no particular order):

1. using my own dishes
2. cooking my own meals
3. cleaning my own house/flat/apartment
4. taking pictures for myself rather than for other people
5. green leaves and blooming flowers
6. the smell of summer nights
7. being able to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up
8. being free from the obligations of school
9. laughing so hard that my stomach aches and my cheeks hurt
10. daydreaming
11. being confident (I'm so unconfident these days)
12. the sweet breath of the Holy Spirit, calling me nearer…
13. …and I miss the feeling the freedom to respond to that call
14. having hope.

Every coming change in my life, no matter how big or small it may be, feels so close and so far away at the same time—like shapes rising gently against a distant, faded horizon. Will I ever reach them? Maybe they're only illusions.

I'm homesick, but I don't exactly know where home is. Does that make me homeless? I sure feel homeless.